Have you ever just wanted to die.....to escape.... to just sleep and not wake up.. life is just to hard..or painful to go on with... And one day all the reasons in the world to stay alive....the ones that kept you going on this long ....just didnt matter anymore... you had finally rationalized those away as well.. ?? You ever been there??... Well, that is where i was when the LORD got me... at that place....desperate to get out of this world...
I was just fed up with the battles of life... I was a drunk... no control...every second was a battle...and i never won for more than a day or so... and that was rare.... . . ..So i went down my basement.... with my children sleeping upstairs... and took my best friend.. .my razor blade.. and for some reason.... i got down on my knees... and i looked up to the ceiling....and i said... "God , if you are real, i am dying..".. ............and for some reason... i got up....and went upstairs and went to bed....
Well....that doesnt sound like tooo much of a testimony ...lol... but ahh...there is more...this is Calgon talking you know.. there is always more.. . hehe..

So what happened next?? Well.. i am not exactly sure... when you are sauced everyday .. you lose track of time.... so i dont know how many days passed before i was flipping through tv stations and i ran accross the Praise the Lord show... a man named Dwight Thompson was preaching... he was fascinating to me... i was sipping on some wine and seven up.. (trying to get clean without going through dt's.)....and i was mesmorized by his enthusiasm.. I was glued...and i left the channel on all day...and all the next day.... and i just listened to it...cant remember much of what was said...just couldnt seem to turn it off... Well.... that doesnt sound like much either does it.... lol.... okay ... i will get to the point....

One day i was moving a couch from the front porch to the house (and i dont know why i was doing that either..i dont even know where i got the thing....hehe.. but i was trying to move it....).... It was a big big couch...long.... and a car pulled up in front of my house.. and a tiny woman got out... and she asked me if i knew where a certain street was.. Well .. i had lived in flint for about ten years by then....and i had never heard of the street... and told her so....then she said "can i help you move the couch."?... i looked at her with my incredulous drunken eyes...and said ....you cant help me... i can do it.... i always had to prove to myself i could do anything.... but she insisted...and i let her help me.... then when she was in the house... she asked me if she could tell me about Jesus!,, Well.... normally that would have set me to cussing....but instead i just meekly said yes.... then i asked myself...."now why did you go and say that"..... so the lady sat down....and i went to the kitchen to chug another beer.... and came back in and listened to her.... she asked me the question... "if God were to ask you why he should let you into heaven... what would you say.... and i said...well..because i have already been in hell.... and she said ....well...can i ask you another question... and i said sure...go ahead.... and she said.... if you were to die tonight ...do you know where you would go?.. and i said no... i didnt..but it would have to be better than this.... well....somehow she went through the plan of salvation with me..and i asked Jesus to be my savior.... but i really had no clue as to what i had done.... the lady asked if she could come by and do some workbooks with me....and i said ofcourse.... when she left.... i threw a bloody fit.... i could not believe i had said yes....what was the matter with me...lol

Well... i attended church...three times a week....half sauced.... just couldnt tell that woman NO....lol..... threw a fit each time.... but went anyway.... Then came the day that my (ex) husband came home from rehab... well... this was not going to be good... he beat me for looking wrong...accused me of everything under the son...and then somethings that werent.... hehe...but ...he was sober for the first time in his life.....so maybe... but i was still very much the alcoholic... and i had no idea how i was gonna handle this... the last thing i wanted was for him to start drinking again.... anyway....his third night home.... after some accusations... he said he was leaving me... i was a drunk.... i thought.... what.... this man is nuts... he will die first... he has beat me...made my life a living hell..and he is going to leave me..ME!!! i will kill him. well.... i couldnt kill him....so i thought of the next best thing.... i would go get drunk .. blasted... till i could think no more.... the nerve of that man....so i reached for my purse.. calculating how much money i had ..and how much booze it would buy.. and how long i could stay drunk....and as i did.... the lord spoke to my heart for the first time..and said "Cindy, you dont ever have to do that again".... and i melted to the couch....and i was hot from head to toe..... and i said..."well, if it is just you and me Lord...then it is just you and me!

Now i knew something wonderful had happened...it was as if i had taken my first breath.... .. my first look in the world.....but i really had no clue what had happened.... .... not until
the day i went to the store...and passed the beer cooler....and all of a sudden... it hit me.....what had happened..... i was DELIVERED!!!!... i had not had the desire to drink for several weeks.... i could not believe it.... i was free...out of the bondage of alcohol

Praise HIS Mercy and Grace....